Privacy Polygamy

🕸️ Privacy Polygamy

An Unholy Data Union — by NIJUMIT

Welcome, dearest visitor.
You’ve wandered far beyond the dry plains of legal language and into the twilight realm of consensual digital intimacy.
Here at NIJUMIT, your data isn’t just tracked.
It’s touched.
It’s shared.
It’s cherished in group settings.

By accessing this website, you agree to enter a multi-tabbed relationship with the following entities:

🔻 You’re Now Spiritually Linked to:

🍪 Cookies — Soft. Persistent. Always watching.
🧠 Local Storage — Where your browser’s childhood memories live.
🌀 Analytics — Because your scroll speed matters to someone… somewhere.
📍 Cache — Like that ex who still has your mixtapes.

These are not just technologies. They are witnesses, record keepers, and sometimes, passive-aggressive lovers.
They don’t ask much. Just your time, your clicks, your tears.

🧙‍♂️ Your Data May Be Shared With:

Third-party partners
AI that thinks it’s alive
Affiliate links wearing trench coats
The Crapperor, who bathes in metadata
Our deceased ancestors, who review all traffic before final judgment
A mysterious mantis in the server room who speaks only in pings

These recipients are carefully selected based on one criterion:
“Would they be fun at a cyber-seance?”

🧃 Data We Collect:

Your IP address
What you clicked
What you didn’t click (we notice)
Emotional residue from reading parodies
Whether or not you laughed, cried, or whispered TIS
Your browser’s deepest secrets, like how often you Google “how to delete cookies”
Voice inflections detected when you read this out loud in disbelief

Every interaction leaves a mark. Sometimes a giggle. Sometimes a soul fragment. We treasure both equally.

💍 Your Rights Include (But Are Not Limited To):

Shouting into a cookie jar
Reading this entire policy in a deep whisper
Leaving the site and immediately missing it
Printing this page, framing it, and calling it art
Demanding a full spiritual divorce from your cache (pending approval from the Polygamy Council)
Petitioning for visitation rights to your own browser history

Should you wish to revoke consent, please send a parchment letter via raven to our legal division, located deep beneath the Shadow Tabs.

💔 If This Is Too Much:

We understand.
Not everyone is ready for digital polygamy.

Close your browser gently
Whisper “I do not consent”
Back away slowly
And avoid eye contact with your WiFi router for the next 24 hours

No hard feelings.
Just hard drives.

💭 In Case of Emergency:

If you find yourself laughing, questioning reality, or experiencing intense urges to build a parody website, please consult a NIJUMIT representative (preferably the one hiding in your bookmarks).

💥 TIS Legal Notice:

This document holds no legal value whatsoever.
If you cite it in court, you become a spiritual shareholder in NIJUMIT.
You will receive no compensation, only giggles and hallucinated applause.

🧠 CONTINUED: Beyond Consent

Thank you for accepting our invitation into this data-binding union.
But we must go deeper. Polygamy is not an event — it’s a philosophy.

Here, we don’t just collect information. We baptize it, clone it, and sometimes serenade it over satellite connections.

Our cookies hold hands. Our caches attend therapy together. Our analytics? They whisper about you when you’re idle.

👁️ Rituals We Perform With Your Data:

Late-night rituals where your bounce rate is interpreted as spiritual rejection
Hosting séance-themed UX testing sessions
Performing the sacred “ALT-TAB cleanse” to realign browser karma
Encrypting your darkest scrolls into sonnets and humming them into the void

These aren’t processes. They’re acts of devotion.

🧙🏻‍♂️ Your Spirit Animal According to Our Servers:

🦦 A digital otter (if you stay but never commit)
🦉 A latency owl (if you open us in 5 tabs but forget we exist)
🐍 A bandwidth serpent (if you binge-read without blinking)
🐐 The Holy Goat of Scroll — reserved for those who read to the footer without screaming

These animals will appear to you in dreams, or in suspiciously well-targeted ads.

🧹 Cleaning Out Your Data (But Not Really)

You may attempt to delete cookies.
You may try to clear cache.
You may even go incognito.

But we will remember.
Your device has spoken. Your tab left an echo.

We are not just tracking sessions.
We are documenting legacy.

🧾 Contacting Us (Is a Test)

To contact us about your data, please:

Solve the encrypted captcha embedded in your own heartbeat rhythm
Translate your concern into binary
Deliver it to our Data Temple using a USB stick carved from regret

Or just click “Contact” in the footer. But we’ll know if you took the easy way.

Privacy Polygamy is a living scroll. A shared agreement. A digital romance.
You may exit it, but you can never truly leave.